I have outlines for three different books. THREE!!! Ideas, brainstorms, etc. But, over these past years, when I sit down to write...I get blocked, frozen, brain-dead. I think it has to do with the doubts that I wrote about earlier this week. But, I'm leaning in, stepping out, releasing the safety net.
I have been studying about the Wilderness that the Israelites wandered for 40 years before entering into the promised land. I've identified with this concept and wondered what my disobedience is/ was that keeps me in the wandering. I don't actually believe God is withholding like that. My own human interpretation of brokenness and my lived experience was when I was growing up, the adults in my life were withholding--always strings attached. God is fully just and fully gracious, but I don't think he's punishing. Jesus already took all the punishment. (What a humbling relief that is!) We are allowed, however, to experience consequences of our own choices.
The wandering isn't all terrible. It's been a season of growth--both personal and spiritual--a recalibration of who I am and a reminding of who God says I am. A peeling back of layers, releasing the parts that no longer serve me, while assessing what is truly me and trying to hold on to those pieces. It's also been a season where I feel like I'm living in the moment as much as possible, but also in the back of my mind, I'm just waiting for the next thing to arrive. Some days it seems the steps I've taken to get me closer to all that's promised actually are moving me further away.
I took steps almost 18 months ago to step out in faith. I thought I was doing the right thing. I felt a peace about it. In fact, I have been more at peace in this past 18 months than ever before in my whole life. Because, although I'm in the wilderness, I have daily manna (provision in surprising ways) and a pillar of smoke and fire, a daily and nightly reminder me that He is always with me. It still feels like my big dreams are so far out of reach.
This week it dawned on me that maybe the wandering wilderness time for me is of my own doing, not because of some big sin issue, but because I am still hanging on to safety nets of some sorts.
I have had 2 career paths in my adult life. I was a teacher for 10 years and then a mental health therapist for 10 more. I have licenses that prove that I took the right classes, completed required internships, passed licensure exams. I still have these licenses. I recently renewed my counseling license and calculated that it costs me approximately $1400 every 2 years to keep that license. In the grand scheme of things, that isn't that significant of an amount of money comparatively to the amount of time and money it took to get it in the first place.
I want to make a point to say here that I don't really regret any of the moves I have made. I have loved my life. I fought hard to survive, become a better version of myself every day, and contribute in ways that mattered. I've had amazing experiences, traveled the world, been exposed to things most people wouldn't imaging. I have rich and deep and long-lasting friendships, meaningful work, and all the things. Yes, there has been pain, and heartache, and a lot of growing pains, but it's mostly been great. I'm beyond blessed. But, what I'm wondering now...is having these fall back safety nets actually a crutch? Is hanging on the the things that make me think I'm "secure" actually holding me back from entering into what God has for me? The more I think about it, the more I kinda think it is!
But, then more doubts creep in...What if it doesn't work out? What will you do then? What about all the money you spent to get those degrees and licenses? You could have just been a (fill in the blank) with something no less important of a job that wouldn't have cost you so much time and resources. What an idiot! Seriously, these are the things that cross my mind...like on the daily. Let me clarify. I KNOW they are not true--the negative thoughts about myself. I also know that the judgements are not real, they are perceived. And, really who cares if people do judge me, anyway? Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind". Especially about things like this, or if your house is messy, or you mess up in some way. Your people, the ones that really matter, will love unconditionally, encourage, cheer you on, and sometimes tell you the hard truths (if they are the best kind of friends), but they won't judge you for making bold moves.
So, friends, I want to encourage you to look at the waiting and wandering. Maybe, just maybe, the season is of our own doing. What if I had cut ties all those years ago when this big dream first came into my mind. What would life look like today if I had made bold moves then instead of waiting. I'm still waiting. I'm refreshed to start making bolder moves. Ones without a safety net.
What might that look like for you in your own life?
I actually wrote this post in March of 2022—I’m just now getting around to sharing it! And things look very different today than they did in March of 2022. I did shed the safety net of my counseling license, but in 2023, through a series of unforeseeable events, God renewed my passion for serving others in this way. I did all the things I had to do to regain my licensing and reopened my practice. God is funny like that, but I used that season to deep dive into my own healing, and to assess the motivations for doing this work. It’s been such a blessing to be back in the office.