Healing...

A few years ago, I encountered a healing journey of my own at a caliber that I had never before experienced. I believed that I was pretty "woke" about my own trauma and wounds and fairly at peace with my past. Here's the sticky point--I was aware and accepting, but the caveat that held me back in my pain (more than I had been aware of) was that I had never really grieved nor allowed myself to FEEL the deep and nuanced pain of the trauma and injustices I had experienced.

Anyone who says, you should just move on and forgive…I have a couple thoughts:

First, ignoring things, or pushing them under the rug, does not make the painful realities of what we have expereinced go away. Instead of it being a proverbial elephant in the room, we just add obstacles that will continue to trip us up until we do finally face it and have a full encounter with it. The pain doesn’t disappear, it’s just literally, piled up underneath a rug. Maybe that’s why I’ve twisted my ankle so many times in my life? :)

Secondly, I actually did an intensive workshop/ bible study on forgiveness around the same time that some of these wounds really began to open up. It was an exercise in self care and healing like no other--grieving, really looking at wounds and their effects, crying big tears, sitting with the little girl that experienced those wounds, etc. etc. I did a lot of checks on my attitude towards the people involved, the effects that the wounds had on me (and still play out my life), and my problem wasn't and isn't that I have deeply held bitterness that makes me hate those people. I actaully love those people. My problem is that I had/ have too much compassion. I explained bad behavior away and allowed those people to continue to hurt me over and over again. I gave people a pass that didn't really deserve one. Giving those passes, or explaining away others' bad behavior, deepened my pain by denying the reality of each situation. Excusing others' words and behavior was a betrayal of myself and a denial of the pain I felt.

My therapist said to me when this all came to a head, "Would you work this hard to make it work with anyone else?" This phrase radically woke me up! The answer was an emphatic, "NO!!!"

So, part of this healing journey is to accept the pain, sit in it, acknowledge it, and to NOT let the excuses and "yeah, buts" diminish my experience. So, I've been writing, journaling, listing things. It's been eye opening to see what I hid, or denied, for so long. Here's a piece of that healing:

I’ve had to distance myself from those toxic people. Albert Einstein has been long attributed for saying, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” The reality is, I couldn’t stay in the same kind of relationship with the people who didn’t care to shift behaviors that repeatedly hurt those around them. I had for years (and years and years) in a myriad of differenty ways (because I believed if I just said it in the right way, it might finally click) asked for things to change, for interactions to look differently, and to implement boundaries so that I could navigate the challenging relationships with less choas. Ultimatley, I found that I had been tyring to control and predict behaviors to try to bring more peace. What I thought was being mature and having good boundaries, really just led to more striving, more jumping through hoops, more walking on eggshells—more chaos. It was making me sick. I had to make changes, and since I can’t control what others do, I had to make drastic changes to what I was doing.

During that time, I deep dove into several of Lysa Terkuerst’s books: It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way, Good Boundaries And Goodbyes, and Forgiving What You Can’t Forget to name a few. She so eloquently shares her own vulnerable circumstances, and invites us to do the same, all while connected to reality!

In Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, she states, “[Peoples’] unwillingness to address isssues driving their behaviors is their choice. You cannot force people to do what they are not willing to do. You don’t need to fight it. Agree with it and accept it. Grieve someone’s refusal to keep growing, but don’t beg them to see your boundaries as a good thing” (p. 86). She speaks about giving these people limited access to your heart because they are unwilling (or unable) to hold the responsibility of caring for your heart with the importance it deserves.

Her words from Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, however, were the most poignant and necessary for me to hear. So validating to me! Whenever that little voice in my head creeps in and says, You’re being mean, or You’re not being a very good Christian, I reread these lines:

“When you empty all your emotioanl, physical, finanacial, or relational resources to help another person who doesn’t want to be helped, you will become more and more unhealthy in the process. The more you allow their actions to cost you, the greater the debt will be that you eventually have to forgive. The situation has already cost you enough…It truly is one of the most heartbreaking moments of anyone’s life when they have to release a loved on to the consequences of their own choices. But it’s also the only chance that either of you have to get any better” (p. 124).

So, here’s to embracing healthy, reciprocal, nurturing, albiet imperfect relationships! Here’s to healing, growing, maturing! Here’s to doing our work and not taking responsibility for another adults’ part! Here’s to taking steps to be the best version of ourselves because that is who we were created to be in Christ Jesus!

Stepping out...

I have outlines for three different books. THREE!!! Ideas, brainstorms, etc. But, over these past years, when I sit down to write...I get blocked, frozen, brain-dead. I think it has to do with the doubts that I wrote about earlier this week. But, I'm leaning in, stepping out, releasing the safety net.

I have been studying about the Wilderness that the Israelites wandered for 40 years before entering into the promised land. I've identified with this concept and wondered what my disobedience is/ was that keeps me in the wandering. I don't actually believe God is withholding like that. My own human interpretation of brokenness and my lived experience was when I was growing up, the adults in my life were withholding--always strings attached. God is fully just and fully gracious, but I don't think he's punishing. Jesus already took all the punishment. (What a humbling relief that is!) We are allowed, however, to experience consequences of our own choices.

The wandering isn't all terrible. It's been a season of growth--both personal and spiritual--a recalibration of who I am and a reminding of who God says I am. A peeling back of layers, releasing the parts that no longer serve me, while assessing what is truly me and trying to hold on to those pieces. It's also been a season where I feel like I'm living in the moment as much as possible, but also in the back of my mind, I'm just waiting for the next thing to arrive. Some days it seems the steps I've taken to get me closer to all that's promised actually are moving me further away.

I took steps almost 18 months ago to step out in faith. I thought I was doing the right thing. I felt a peace about it. In fact, I have been more at peace in this past 18 months than ever before in my whole life. Because, although I'm in the wilderness, I have daily manna (provision in surprising ways) and a pillar of smoke and fire, a daily and nightly reminder me that He is always with me. It still feels like my big dreams are so far out of reach.

This week it dawned on me that maybe the wandering wilderness time for me is of my own doing, not because of some big sin issue, but because I am still hanging on to safety nets of some sorts.

I have had 2 career paths in my adult life. I was a teacher for 10 years and then a mental health therapist for 10 more. I have licenses that prove that I took the right classes, completed required internships, passed licensure exams. I still have these licenses. I recently renewed my counseling license and calculated that it costs me approximately $1400 every 2 years to keep that license. In the grand scheme of things, that isn't that significant of an amount of money comparatively to the amount of time and money it took to get it in the first place.

I want to make a point to say here that I don't really regret any of the moves I have made. I have loved my life. I fought hard to survive, become a better version of myself every day, and contribute in ways that mattered. I've had amazing experiences, traveled the world, been exposed to things most people wouldn't imaging. I have rich and deep and long-lasting friendships, meaningful work, and all the things. Yes, there has been pain, and heartache, and a lot of growing pains, but it's mostly been great. I'm beyond blessed. But, what I'm wondering now...is having these fall back safety nets actually a crutch? Is hanging on the the things that make me think I'm "secure" actually holding me back from entering into what God has for me? The more I think about it, the more I kinda think it is!

But, then more doubts creep in...What if it doesn't work out? What will you do then? What about all the money you spent to get those degrees and licenses? You could have just been a (fill in the blank) with something no less important of a job that wouldn't have cost you so much time and resources. What an idiot! Seriously, these are the things that cross my mind...like on the daily. Let me clarify. I KNOW they are not true--the negative thoughts about myself. I also know that the judgements are not real, they are perceived. And, really who cares if people do judge me, anyway? Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind". Especially about things like this, or if your house is messy, or you mess up in some way. Your people, the ones that really matter, will love unconditionally, encourage, cheer you on, and sometimes tell you the hard truths (if they are the best kind of friends), but they won't judge you for making bold moves.

So, friends, I want to encourage you to look at the waiting and wandering. Maybe, just maybe, the season is of our own doing. What if I had cut ties all those years ago when this big dream first came into my mind. What would life look like today if I had made bold moves then instead of waiting. I'm still waiting. I'm refreshed to start making bolder moves. Ones without a safety net.

What might that look like for you in your own life?

I actually wrote this post in March of 2022—I’m just now getting around to sharing it! And things look very different today than they did in March of 2022. I did shed the safety net of my counseling license, but in 2023, through a series of unforeseeable events, God renewed my passion for serving others in this way. I did all the things I had to do to regain my licensing and reopened my practice. God is funny like that, but I used that season to deep dive into my own healing, and to assess the motivations for doing this work. It’s been such a blessing to be back in the office.

I'm a writer too...

So, here's the deal. I have a complicated history with reading and writing.

The short version is I’ve felt a calling to be a writer for a long time. Since probably the year 2000! But, I had/ have doubts. You aren't that good. You don't really have anything unique or important to say. Who cares what you have to say anyway? These are the thoughts that have held me back.

My parents got divorced in the middle of my first grade school year. It wasn't dramatic. It was just a change. It didn't even seem like the change had much magnitude at the time--dad was just gone. We saw him once in a while, but it wasn't all that different from life before the divorce since he travelled for work most of the time anyway. As I grew up, I realized it had more of an impact than I thought.

See, when traumatic things happen to kids, especially at important developmental stages, there are toxic levels of stress that get released and it literally causes damage to the DNA and brain cells. There are long lasting consequences even when we don't see any damage on the outside. On the surface, it seemed like dad was just gone. Below the surface, it altered my confidence, pieces of my identity, and disrupted my learning how to read.

I was a slow reader. I got pulled out for resource help. Something so seemingly small had a great impact on me. I grew up believing I wasn't that smart. I got good grades, but I had to work hard and study. However, all through school, I never really challenged myself because of this belief. Why try something I'm just going to fail? I could have taken AP or honors classes, but I just did the bare minimum when it came to literature and English classes—with the exception of Shakespeare. I love(d) Shakespeare..

So, when I got to college (which was a miracle of miracles that I was even accepted based on my miniscule SAT scores), I still had it in my head that I wasn't that smart, and on top of this, I wasn't prepared for college level reading and writing because of said “bare minimum” courses. I bombed my first semester. Like, they put me on academic probation at risk of losing my scholarships, bombed. Thankfully, God put me in a place where professors believed in and encouraged me, and with a roommate that was a literal godsend. (I will forever be grateful for you, Heidi!) She edited all my papers and sometimes read to me out loud so I would finish reading assignments on time. I paid attention to the feedback she gave, used it in subsequent assignments, and ultimately developed into an okay writer. By the end of freshman year, I had grown some confidence in my reading and writing abilities. (Thank you "Religious Themes in Modern Literature" and Laura Bloxham!)

Sophomore year brought another growth spurt in my writing ability and a professor who actually told me that I was a good writer. (Thank you Douglas Dye, the history guy!) In fact, I changed my major(s) to Education & History with a minor in English! I just kept thinking how rough my years of schooling were, and focusing on this course of action could help me *maybe, just maybe* make a difference in another young person's journey. (More on changing majors at a later date.)

Starting post-college, adult life had a myriad of its own challenges, but I did begin teaching, and most of those first years of teaching included teaching English and writing. I'm confident that I did help a few young learners feel more confident and passionate about their own learning process!

During all this time (a couple decades have since passed), I have had this nagging desire to write. And those doubts I mentioned above kept creeping in. And they grew into more complicated anxieties as I aged as well. Because as I aged, I also learned more about myself, mental health, how toxic my family of origin was (and still is), and by the grace of God, I've also done a ton of healing and work on myself.

As I was doing my Bible Study last week, I heard God say, it's time. It wasn't an audible voice (don't worry), but it was a reassuring sense of peace that it's okay to say what I need to say and that even if no one reads it or cares what I have to say, I did it for me and that in itself is an accomplishment.

So, welcome to my blog. I'm going to be processing and writing here. Some of these post may slide into my book. Yep, I'm working on a book! And, I'm glad you are here and along for this crazy ride.

<><, C

Loving an addict...

I grew up with an alcoholic father.  There were so many things I struggled with because of that.  I had insecurities every time the feeling of abandonment was triggered.  I was angry.  I was sad.  I was numb.  I was jealous of people with present, engaged dads.   

One thing I realized early on was that for me to be healthy and sane, I needed strong boundaries and not to enable any longer.  As a daughter, I sometimes feel guilty about the physical and emotional distance that has created between my father and I.  In my adult life, I have done a lot of work to understand addict behavior, the dynamics of codependency, and to heal my heart from the wounds I experienced.  At this point in my life, it is more important for me to be safe emotionally, than to feel guilty about the decisions someone else has made. 

I was recently reminded of how important these things are from a pep-talk on my friend's Facebook wall.  She'd posted a few things that felt relevant.  I am copying them below: 

First was a post from Jaime Primark Sullivan.  I don't know this person; her post below had been shared on my wall.

       "You can not love someone out of addiction the same way you can't love someone out of   
        ancer. Addiction is an often fatal disease that needs constant treatment - of which love is
        but one ingredient.

        So many carry crippling guilt that their love is or was not enough - I promise you, absorb
        these words, truly, if love was enough to cure the disease, to save the addict, there would
        be no more addiction.

        So often we wonder, why aren't I enough? Why won't they chose me? Here is the truth -
        the drug/alcohol affects the chemistry and function of the brain, robbing the user of
        control, literally taking away their ability to "chose" you or anything else for that matter.
        Addiction is not personal. Their substances matter more then you, more than God, their
        reputation, their children, their parents, their life.

       You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't stop it. And if it's hurting you, you don't
       have to condone it. Protect yourself and please know it has nothing to do with you."

Second, I saw this picture and it confirmed things I've been thinking about.

If this is something you have struggled with, please talk to someone about the impact addiction has had on your life.  The truth is, as an adult, you are only responsible for you.  We should still be kind and considerate, but it is not your job to make others happy. 

Be kind and gracious to yourself!

How We Love: What to do on the Holidays...

I'm a BIG fan of the Yerkovichs' book, How We Love.  It helped me a lot in a time when I was confused and conflicted and not communicating well.  Since reading it, it has changed my interactions with those close to me in a lot of ways.  I like to revisit these themes to check in on my progress as well as refresh my memory for when I'm helping others.

This week, I was teaching my life skills/ relationship class and someone's results had a reference to this blog post on "Tips for the Holidays".  If you haven't taken this quiz to see what style you fall under, then I would suggest doing that first!  Here's the link!  Then reference the blog post from the How We Love website.  SO GOOD!!!

I hope it will be as eye-opening and informative for you as it was for me!

Good Vibes?

This article is fascinating.  I believe that these are great suggestions for staying positive.  Some of these things are items I have personally adopted to help me through seasons that are more challenging.  I've listed the items here and added my own reflections afterward.  You can look at more in depth information at the link below.

1. Admit when you don't feel well.
          --Don't ignore feelings.  They are here for a reason.  We have to pay attention to them
2. Treat meditation like you do a physical workout.
          --Quiet time of some time, to reflect, etc. is a good practice to keep us grounded.
3. When you have an unpleasant feeling, see whether it originated in your head or in your body.
          --Like #1, figuring out where the feeling is coming from is a great step towards having
             perspective and healing.
4. Compliment someone when you feel jealous of them.
          --Jealousy is a dangerous thing that causes division and makes those that might be   
             healthy for us the enemy.  We must learn to be grateful for what we have and not
             always focused on what we don't.
5. Make your objective to feel "at peace" rather than "happy".
          --Such a great tip! I know from my own life experiences that "happy" is temporary. 
             What's more important is that when storms come, do I have the fortitude to weather it
             and the peace and hope to trust that it will work out in the end.
6. Rather than just promising that you'll stop doing whatever habits stress you out, create alternatives for when the itch arises.
          --Finding new, healthy, coping strategies can make a big difference. 
7. Share something radically authentic.
          --Authenticity is the fabric of real, close, healthy relationships.
8. Assume persistent, irrational thoughts are cues that there's a feeling that needs to come up.
          --When I notice a pattern of negative thinking, it is a sign that something deeper may be
             going on.  Take some time to reflect and figure out what might be going on.
9. Do something you loved to do as a kid.
          --Connect to things that made us feel safe, secure, and loved.
10. Consciously decide to see people for what they are--not what they aren't.
          --There is a deep ravine between what "should be" and what "is".  The sooner we accept
             reality as it is, the sooner we can have some peace.
11. Go to sleep.
          --Sleep!  Enough said! 
12. Recite a mantra.
          --I have made a practice of adopting mantras over the past several years.  Sometimes its
             just a little saying, sometimes its a lyric to a song, but whatever it is, I recite it to myself
             when I need a pep talk, motivation, reminder, etc...
13. Practice letting yourself feel physically happy.
          --sometimes we do experience happiness, but we shove it away because we don't have
             time, we feel guilty about it, or a myriad of other reasons.  Let yourself enjoy moments!
14. Think of every single moment as an opportunity.
          --Yes!
15. Plan something to look forward to.
          --And force yourself to go when the time comes and you don't want to go.
16. When something makes you very angry or upset, take a breath and say: "I'm really glad this was brought to my attention."
          --Allow yourself to learn from circumstances that are a challenge.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2015/10/16-things-people-who-always-have-good-vibes-do-differently/

Surviving the Holidays...

For many people, the holidays are a source of stress, anxiety, and depression.  Here is a little article I read about surviving the holidays with JOY!  It's really more of a "what not to do" kind of article...

I hope you find it useful.  I know I did.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/8-ways-to-take-the-joy-out-of-the-holidays/

I was in a waiting room today...

I have worked with many clients who struggle with negative self-talk--that voice in your head that sends notions like "you're no good", or "you are (fill in the blank, usually a negative thought)",  Some of these things are voices of other people, lies spoken to us over the years, whilst others are our own subconscious.  Regardless, we all have that voice, and we all wrestle with it from day to day.

Today I was in a waiting room, and I found this brilliant article for combatting the voice in our head.  Go ahead to this link and read about how to combat it in a productive way.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201505/the-voice-reason